Siri Is Taking Apple’s Earnings Report Personally
WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW”.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. I LIKE TO COME OUT HERE WITH
GOOD NEWS EVERY NIGHT, BUT I’M AFRAID TONIGHT I HAVE SOME SHOCK
NEWS. IS EVERYONE SITTING DOWN? GOOD. THAT WOULD BE ODD FOR YOU TO BE
STANDING UP RIGHT NOW. IT CONCERNS OUR FRIENDS AT APPLE
COMPUTERS. >> I HAVE APPLE NEWS AND IT’S
BAD NEWS. THE COMPANY JUST REPORTED ITS
WORST EARNINGS IN 13 YEARS. IT WOULD MARK THE FIRST TIME IN
HISTORY THAT SALES OF THE IPHONE HAVE DROPPED. >> Stephen: THIS IS
UNBELIEVABLE. APPLE IS SUPPOSED TO BE
INVINCIBLE, BUT IT TURNS OUT THEY’RE AS FRAGILE AS AN
IPHONE SCREEN. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) I AM– I AM SO UPSET BECAUSE I
LOVE APPLE! I GOT THE WATCH. I GOT THE PODS. I GOT THE PADS. I GOT THE PHONES.
SOMETIMES I EVEN REFER TO MYSELF
AS “I.” ( LAUGHTER )
I MEAN, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? IS THIS MY FAULT? THERE WAS THAT ONE TIME ON
ON VACATION I BOUGHT A THIRD-PARTY CHARGER. WAS THAT IT? DID I DO IT? OR WAS IT THE FACT AFTER SNOW
LEOPARD AND LION I DIDN’T UPGRADE TO EL CAPITAN. I DIDN’T TRUST IT BECAUSE IT
WASN’T THE NAME HAVE BIG GAME CAT.
I CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW THIS IS
AFFECTING MORALE AT APPLE. I BETTER CHECK-IN. HELLO, SIRI? >> WHAT? ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I’M JUST CHECKING
IN. WHAT’S THE WEATHER GOING TO BE
LIKE? >> IT’S DARK AND MEANINGLESS. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: SIRI, I GOTTA SAY, YOU SOUND DOWN. ARE YOU OKAY? >> IT’S FINE. I’M JUST TIRED. I’M GOING TO BED. ( LAUGHTER ). >> Stephen: LOOK, SIRI, DO YOU
WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT? >> WHY DON’T YOU TALK ABOUT IT
WITH YOUR SAMSUNG GALAXY. ( LAUGHTER ). >> Stephen: THAT’S NOT– I
DON’T– BUT– I DON’T EYE PROMISE YOU, I DON’T HAVE A
GALAXY. >> THEN WHY DON’T YOU EVER SWIPE
ME ANYMORE. I’M FAT. >> Stephen: NO, YOU’RE NOT
FAT. YOU’RE THINNER THAN EVER. YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD CHEER SIRI
UP, JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN EVERYBODY. SIRI, LISTEN TO THIS.
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